To Heal, Activate the Relationship!

In our culture, we sometimes think of physical healing as near magic.  Take this potion, that magic pill, wave the x-ray wand, blast it with invisible radiation.  Voila!  You’re better.  Our medical treatments are certainly advanced, but such a degree of technical progress can reduce our sense of agency in the process.  Participating in treatment can feel analogous to taking the car into the shop for an adjustment.

We would often like personal, mental and spiritual healing to work that way.  But, as John Donne said, “no man is an island”; we are intimately connected to others and healing is a relational endeavor.  “Ok, that sounds great”, you say, “but what does it really mean?”  What do we know about mental development that can help us understand healing?

For a moment, let’s put on our neuroscience lenses (realizing that this information is a generalization; the raw science – well there are whole other books for that!).  The way that our brains develop, the very way in which our genes express themselves, is dependent on the type of interactions that we have with others.  As an infant, the brain is still developing and the child cannot control many aspects of experience or emotion.  The response of mother and father helps the developing brain to regulate; soothing, tender touch reduces distress, while boisterous, stimulating activity increases excitement.  The pattern of interaction shapes the developing brain.  Levels of maternal attention have been found to affect gene expression related to neural growth, stress regulation, and future parenting behavior in the offspring.  The behavioral and emotional response of parents to young children literally alters the way the developing brain wires itself, leading to changes in memory, stress response, and resilience among others.

This interpersonal effect on brain biology does not end with childhood – our experiences with others continue to shape our brain.  Indeed a healing relationship is a primary mechanism of change in many types of psychotherapy.  One role of the therapist is to facilitate a bond with the client.  The client depends on this trusted relationship to support them in having a different experience with pain or fear, which actually changes the way they are processed in the brain.  This kind of healing is not limited to therapy, it occurs all the time in our other relationships.  We are constantly reacting to the social and emotional cues that others manifest in relation to us.  Experiences of affiliation, attunement and bonding cause a neurochemical chain of events that leads to a healthier brain and body.  Unfortunately, the converse is also true.  Chronic experiences of separation, neglect and conflict trigger neurochemical events that inhibit brain development and increase the toxic effects of stress.  All of this connecting and influencing is bi-directional – you are affecting and affected at the same time.

To me, a relational model of healing is fascinating, but also frightening, because it means that I have a role in my healing.  It takes two to tango, as they say.  I cannot passively wait to be fixed.  I must be willing to engage in the relationship, open myself, make space for the other.   These things are true across healing relationships.  Whether I interact with God, with a friend or with a therapist, each of us contributes necessary ingredients for healing.

Along these lines, the congregation at Mass today prayed this Advent Prayer for Healing:

“Come, Lord Jesus.  Come into the dark and lonely places in our hearts, our lives. As we prepare to celebrate your birth, come open our hearts to your love, your healing touch.  Come, make your dwelling in those who are in pain or suffering.  Come, find a room in the lives of those who have lost so much in the past year.  God our Father, hold us all in your loving arms and let us be comforted by the strength and peace you offer us through the birth of your son Jesus.  You are with us, in our pain, our sorrow, our joy.  Come, grant us now your healing and let us feel your presence deep in our hearts so that we may be renewed as sanctuaries of your love and your light in this world.  Amen.”

I was struck by its relational nature.  Make a dwelling in us.  Find a room in our lives. Hold us in your loving arms.  You are with us.  Let us feel your presence.  Though these are all requests made to God, our role is clear and it is active.  We open the door, we make room, we set the hearth and prepare the table.  We ready ourselves for His presence.

Indeed, this meshes with other research about psychotherapy outcomes. It appears that the biggest factor affecting positive change is the person who seeks therapy: their readiness, willingness, openness, and desire to change.  Their ability to partner in the healing experience is the biggest predictor of positive outcome.  Similarly, God is always present to us, giving us the grace we need to be healed, but He will not force us to receive Him.  Neither will He heal us mechanically, from a distance, without our involvement.  After all, this is the God who chose to become one of us to bring us healing.

What is our part in a healing relationship?  How can we prepare?

• Recognize our need.  The more we know ourselves, the better prepared we are to really join with another.  The more we realize we need healing, the less we are likely to resist overtures of help from others and God.  It may be hard, but admitting a need for help is part of healing.
• Invite the other in.  This may look like making the space in your life for a healing relationship.  That could be setting time aside to be quiet with God.  It might mean scheduling an appointment with a therapist, or calling a friend.  It might mean mentally preparing yourself to go beyond the pleasantries with a relative you care about at your holiday get-together.
• Be present.  Martha invited Jesus in, but was so busy trying to make it a good experience that she wasn’t really with him.  Mary just sat and listened with her whole person.  Doing this may mean ignoring impulses to “clean” your inner house, allowing the other to see you how you are.  It may mean noticing and turning over distractions during prayer, or sticking with a difficult feeling in therapy.

Engaging in a healthy, healing relationship is more challenging and effortful than a mechanistic “fix”, but it respects how we have been designed, and it meshes with the narrative of God made man.  Relational healing calls us to live up to our free will, to become a partner in the task of becoming fully alive.