My Soul Looks Back and Wonders, “How I Got Over.”

 Msgr. Charles Pope is the pastor of Holy Comforter-St. Cyprian, a parish community in Washington, DC. He attended Mount Saint Mary’s Seminary and was ordained in 1989. Msgr. Pope writes thoughtful, relevant, (near) daily blog posts for the Archdiocese of Washington, DC, which can be read here. His pieces are frequently carried by New Advent and Big Pulpit.

 Monsignor graciously agreed to contribute a personal piece detailing his own journey to psychological and spiritual healing through the process of overcoming anxiety and depression.

When I was growing up older folks often spoke of a “mid-life crisis.” Hitting forty was usually the critical period they had in mind. These days I’ve noticed it hits a lot sooner. Maybe it’s because we live in a “youth culture” that forces the questions of aging and being successful a lot quicker. Maybe it’s just the stress. But these days, there’s just something about the mid-thirties that hits a lot of folks. I was no exception. My mid-thirties were difficult years for me—years filled with anxiety and self-doubt.

When I consider those years now, almost twenty years later, the words of an old gospel song come to mind: “My soul looks back and wonders, ‘how I got over.'” Of course, as the song itself says, the answer is “Jesus, the one who made me free.” But, as with most all things, He delivered me through a variety of people and things, including psychotherapy along with the religious helps I had come to know.

My main struggle concerned grave and increasingly debilitating bouts with severe anxiety.

This significant torment began for me at an early age. As early as age 10, I began to experience long periods of sleeplessness due to extreme worry. At the time in my family there were many crises underway, related to my sister’s severe mental illness and my parents’ struggle with alcohol.

These bouts of extreme anxiety I began to endure, usually lasting for months at a time, were sporadic at first, coming and going somewhat mysteriously.

Through my teenage years these episodes of extreme anxiety became more frequent and troublesome— enough that my parents placed me in outpatient psychotherapeutic counseling where I was prescribed psychotropic medicines. Some benefits were attained hereby, and my college and seminary years were largely serene.

But for me a major crisis ensued in my 33rd year, when, as a young priest, I was asked to take a very challenging assignment. While I initially agreed to the assignment, I was soon assailed by extreme anxiety, sleeplessness, frequent panic attacks, almost non-stop rumination, and depression. I was certain that I was losing my mind. This led to brief hospitalization, and the need to step back from the assignment.

But my crisis only deepened into post traumatic stress syndrome and into deeper and darker depression. I also began to experience a demonic presence. Even on sunny days my peripheral vision was shrouded in a palpable darkness; I experienced demonic presence in my bedroom, a brooding dark presence that tormented me throughout the night. I found it necessary to sleep in my outer room with the door open for fear of this presence.

Knowing and seeing my declining condition a brother priest prayed with me and insisted that I seek help. It was clear that I was in need of deliverance—that I was not living the normal and promised Christian life. I was tormented by fear and locked in depression and self-loathing. My accuser, the evil one, had shown his face and largely robbed me of the glorious freedom of the children of God. Deliverance was needed, and I knew it wasn’t going to be easy.

Twenty years later, I want to tell you I have been delivered, Thank you Jesus! I rarely worry about anything now.

But I also want to say that deliverance takes time, and involves a multidisciplinary approach. Unfortunately most people just seek relief, but God is in the healing business, and healing takes time, courage, lots of prayer, patience and waiting on the Lord.

The elements of my deliverance and healing included daily Mass, daily prayer and the reading of Scripture, spiritual direction, psychotherapy, group therapy, weekly Al-Anon meetings, weekly confession, deliverance prayers, and walking in fellowship with the people of God. Slowly, through all these means, the dark moments grew briefer and the light grew brighter. My priestly ministry also grew richer and I became more compassionate and more able to help others in their struggles

One of the things I had to discover was that my deliverance was linked to uncovering and naming sinful drives and distorted thinking that provided doorways for the devil to rob me of my freedom.

The primary sinful drive with which I struggled was that of control, which is a form of pride. Growing up in an often troubled home, one of my strategies had been to carve out small areas in my life that I could strictly control. For example, I kept my room very clean and often kept it locked when I was away from the house. There were many other such things that I did, and the little areas of life I could control gave me some sense of safety.

But as I grew older and my responsibilities increased, I took this attitude of control into those areas and often insisted unreasonably in being in control of things that could not reasonably be controlled. Finally, I was given a challenging assignment, and realizing I could never possibly keep everything under control, I went into great crisis.

Ultimately, I needed to repent of my strong drive to control and see it for the pride that it was. I needed to learn to rely on God more. But striving to rely on someone other than myself, even God, was frankly terrifying. It took lots of repentance, growing self-knowledge, and learning the moves of pride and control, as well as developing better and more reasonable strategies that accepted the fact that there are many things I cannot control.

And through it all, there were great battles with Satan, who did not want to easily relax his grip. Thanks be to God I had many helpers—many counselors and people who were praying for me. Deliverance did come. It came slowly at first, but then with increasing speed.

Yes, my soul looks back and wonders, “how I got over.” But, thank you Jesus, I did—by Your grace working through others and the holy Sacraments. Thank you Lord!