You know someone with a mental disorder. Even if you don’t know it yet. Whether family, co-workers or acquaintances, we’ll call them “your friend.” Since you are reading this, I know you are a caring and compassionate person who would like to understand and support your friend.
Mental illness makes many things very difficult, especially relationships with others. I bet you have felt that with your friend. Maybe they have been labeled with major depression, and find it hard to respond to your invitations or enjoy activities with you. Maybe they have issues with anxiety and their worry is so intense that you find it difficult to relax with them. Maybe they carry the label of bipolar disorder, and their manic energy and obsessive enthusiasm occasionally leaves you in the dust and overwhelmed. Maybe they sometimes seem to lose touch with the ordinary world, and meaningful communication appears impossible. But whatever the problem, you can feel their suffering, and you do not want to give up or walk away.
So how can you help someone with a mental illness? For clarity, I’ve split things into three groups, but there is no real separation between them.
Phase 1: Relating to your friend
I am taking my lead here from Pope Francis (a strong choice). He recently spoke to a community in the Philippines devastated by a typhoon. I know suffering from natural disaster and mental illness are worlds different, but I think what he said provides a great example that we can apply to interactions with your friend. When he visited on January 17th, he told them (with my emphasis added):
“When I witnessed this disaster from Rome, I felt that I had to be here. That is when I decided to come here. I wanted to come to be with you. Maybe you will tell me that I came a little late; that is true, but here I am!
I am here to tell you that Jesus is Lord; that Jesus does not disappoint. “Father”, one of you may tell me, “he disappointed me because I lost my house, I lost my family, I lost everything I had, I am sick”. What you say is true and I respect your feelings. But I see him there, nailed to the cross, and from there he does not disappoint us. He was consecrated Lord on that throne, and there he experienced all the disasters we experience. Jesus is Lord! And he is Lord from the cross, from there he reigned. That is why, as we heard in the first reading, he can understand us: he became like us in every way. So we have a Lord who is able to weep with us, who can be at our side through life’s most difficult moments.
So many of you have lost everything. I do not know what to tell you. But surely he knows what to tell you! So many of you have lost members of your family. I can only be silent; I accompany you silently, with my heart…”
What can we learn from these words?
Be curious. Look through your friend’s eyes. Your friend likely has a different perspective than many people. What is it like to live in their skin? What do they feel from other people? What pain do they experience? How do they relate to God? Be with them by first looking through their eyes to understand how they see the world.
Validate their perspective. Part of validating is conveying that you see it the way they do. Part is expressing that you can connect with how that view leads to the feelings they have. And importantly, validating means removing the blame and the shame from having that perspective.
Maintain connection with your perspective. Respecting and validating another’s perspective does not mean you must agree with it or adopt it as your own. If you did, you would likely lose much of your capacity to be helpful. Becoming hopeless with a depressed friend is not helpful. Understanding and validating their sense of hopelessness, while holding onto hope yourself is helpful.
Francis demonstrated this pattern by quoting the point of view of the person he is talking to – demonstrating that he has listened and heard. He then validates further by saying “What you say is true and I respect your feelings.” But though he joins the person, he does not join in their despair. He holds their hand, but also holds to his conviction that Jesus is there, because he has suffered too.
Be compassionate. All I have mentioned so far really adds up to this. To me, compassion is love with understanding. Willingness to “suffer with” is usually required for true understanding. Compassion is the antidote to perceived judgment by others, self-criticism, fear and loneliness. Its power comes from the willingness to simply be with a person. Jumping in to try to advise or change may be a genuine expression of love, but it often lacks understanding bought by the pain of “suffering with.” On top of that, merely offering a solution can easily convey distance (“I am not affected like you are”) or superiority (“I can see solutions you have missed”). In contrast, compassion offers primarily yourself and your presence.
Pope Francis conveys compassion by expressing his willingness to avoid advice and offer companionship: “I can only be silent; I accompany you silently, with my heart…” He also chooses to offer a vision of Christ as compassionate rather than a problem solver: “So we have a Lord who is able to weep with us, who can be at our side through life’s most difficult moments.” He did not promise miracles, offer one correct perspective on the situation, or tell them what they needed to do next. He does the opposite, expressing his own weakness: “I do not know what to tell you.”
Phase 2: Maintaining your own health
If I could only tell you a few things, I would leave it at that. But giving compassion has a cost – it takes time, energy, emotion. Many individuals with mental illnesses struggle with them for a long time; recovery can be lengthy. How can you prepare to be a companion for the long journey?
Care for yourself. This is not selfish. It is essential. It is a difficult task to be present to the struggle of your friend while also holding onto hope. Taking the time to be centered, making space for renewal and re-creation in your own life is one of the best things you can do. Each of us has worries, low moments, times where we lose control, where original sin shows its hold on us. Ignoring what we need does not make us more helpful, rather it reduces our ability to be both connected and caring. Caring for self is in the spirit of removing the “plank in your own eye” before tending to apparent needs of another.
Make time for healthy relationships. This is a powerful means of renewal and recreation. Even God exists in perpetual relationship in the Trinity – if we are to be healthy, we should follow that lead. We are relational beings, and sometimes we can use the encouragement to spend time with those whose presence is refreshing and joyful for us.
Receive the sacraments and participate in the life of the Church. Don’t neglect that relationship with God in the midst of everything else. Like Francis said above, Jesus knows what you are going through. He was strength for those in need. He needed to get away and recharge. He surrounded himself with healthy relationships and faithful friends. By living a sacramental life you are fueled by the grace that Christ offers through the Church.
Set the boundaries you need. You cannot do everything. Odds are you cannot even do as much as you would like. Knowing what you cannot do frees you to do what you can. Sometimes you may feel like your friend asks more than you can give. It is ok to say no. I like this analogy: In a sport, knowing where the boundary lines are frees you to be creative within them. Without clear boundaries the game becomes paralyzingly uncertain. Setting your own clear limits is a gift to your friend: It frees them to act within the lines, knowing you will take care of the parameters.
Know that your friends outcome is not your responsibility. You have a Christian call to do what you can, but “fixing it” is not your mission. I know I am co-opting this quote for a different purpose, but I like Mother Teresa’s vision: “God has not called me to be successful. He has called me to be faithful.”
Phase 3: Working toward change
Usually there will be a time when it becomes appropriate for you to offer some tangible assistance to your friend. Or maybe you are inspired to work on a more systemic level to help others with mental illness. These are some beginning suggestions. The Mental Health Grace Alliance also has three free downloadable PDF guides to caring for someone with severe mental illness that are more detailed and quite practical.
Educate yourself about mental illness. Reading here is a good step. There are a lot of other blogs and places on the internet where you can find information on mental illness or the stories of those who have had mental illness. Some examples: the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) and NAMI FaithNet; MentalHealth.gov; the National Catholic Partnership on Disability (NCPD) Mental Illness site; and other sites linked through our (always growing) resources page. Identify resources you can offer your friend, whether that’s an understanding priest/religious, a good therapist/counselor, a helpful website, whatever. This way you are prepared to help your friend or others when they are ready.
Advocate for your friends in church. Help identify what the Church offers, and invite your friend into it. On another level, work towards expanding the interaction between the Church and those like your friend. You can see my previous post on ways the church can attend to those with mental illness for more thoughts, or the NCPD mental illness site for many concrete ideas.
Do not forget the strengths of your friend. Having a mental disorder does not negate the rest of life. Odds are you wouldn’t be able to pick most of those like your friend out of a crowd. Just like anyone, they have strengths in addition to their weaknesses. Honor their strengths. Ask for help in areas they can offer assistance. Encourage them to use their strengths to help others. When the time is right, many people like your friend even share their struggles in support of others, and this takes great strength. Recognizing what is good and beautiful about your friend is a powerful reminder of their dignity and the image of God stamped in their being.
Help others understand mental illness. There is still substantial stigma associated with mental illness. Many assume that it is the fault of the person who suffers. Others think that a holier life would protect them from these trials. Many well-meaning people just do not see or understand it, and thus unwittingly contribute to the suffering. You can help change this culture. Say something when the topic comes up. Share a different understanding. Pass on the information you have discovered. Describe an appropriate example that builds sympathy. It is so easy to click a button and like, tweet or share posts like this one.
Pray for your friend. Really do not underestimate this. Its not only about your friend; when you talk to God, you are being prepared to carry His light to your friend as well. Think of discussing your friend with another confidant who knows them. Often the one you confide in can help your friend, but just having a conversation can leave you comforted, refreshed and supported in your own efforts. Prayer is like that, it helps you and your friend. Also don’t fret if change is slow. Remember the example of St. Monica, who prayed nearly a lifetime before seeing a tangible answer to her prayer.
I know that Christ has called you to respond to suffering in the world, to accompany those who are lost, to smile for those who are down, to encourage to those who need hope. I hope that reading this leaves you more educated, inspired and hopeful; in short, more prepared to accompany and support your friend. Please feel free to add your thoughts on this topic, or share a comment in support of others who may read this.
