When Raising Kids: First Place the Oxygen Mask Over Your Own Mouth

It’s no secret that children growing up in our society face a multitude of challenges.  They face the ubiquitous presence of alcohol and drugs, media saturated with sexuality, and a culture that struggles to plausibly stand behind basic values.  Not to mention a high likelihood that they will not make it to adulthood with both parents in the same stable marriage.  As parents, we want to find ways of shepherding our children through these dangers, and we often go to great lengths to provide worthwhile, productive and affirming experiences.

But who is looking out for the parents?

That’s right, our well being is essential, even if we are only talking about protecting the kids.  Now, let’s be clear: I’ve met you.  You’re the mom at my church teaching your kids the names of the Magi at the Nativity scene.  You’re the dad at the playground on his fifth “one more time.”  You’re the one in the grocery store, somehow mustering a compassionate response after your child knocked over half of aisle 3.  You’re the parent sitting in my office, sharing your deepest desires for your children, worried that you can’t make it come true.  You care about your kids, and you make the daily sacrifices to give them the best experience possible.  You know all that parenting advice, all those articles and books are only as good as the relationship you live them in.

But that can be a lot of pressure.  It’s easy to feel like everything depends on you.  You’ve probably heard that you don’t have to be perfect, just “good-enough”,  but where is that line?  What is good enough? And what about the days when you just lose it for a moment…will you forever negatively impact your child’s brain?

The best response I have to these concerns comes from a flight attendant.  You’ve heard it – “In the event of a decrease in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. If you are traveling with children, please place the oxygen mask over your own mouth and tighten the straps before attempting to help a child.”  I know my first response to this is usually “You want me to ignore my kids for my own needs? I’m not that selfish!”  It seems to threaten the narrative of self-sacrificial love that I like to think I would live out.  But fairly quickly, my rational thinking returns and I realize the wisdom of the advice.  By securing oxygen for myself, I will be able to continually care for each of the children until the crisis passes.  If I pass out while attempting to secure a mask on a panicking 3-year-old, there will be no one to help them or me.

Caring for the kids without regard to self can be dangerous in general parenting as well.  Though it seems like “the more, the better” should apply to effort spent on parenting, it does not appear to be so.  Attempts to be “super-parents” increase stress and can lead to guilt and worse mental health when things don’t go as planned. As one author said: “Middle-class mothers often try to do everything to balance work and home life, and fathers are increasingly attempting to do the same…If everything is not perfect, they feel like failures.”  To quote authors from another study,  these parents may be “willing to sacrifice their own mental health to enhance their children’s cognitive, social and emotional outcomes. In reality, intensive parenting may have the opposite effect on children from what parents intend.”

Indeed, when parents’ emotional well-being suffers, the health of their children tends to suffer too.  When parents are exhausted or distressed, they are more likely to use parenting tactics that induce guilt in children.  I can think of several examples that have escaped my own mouth, including “I’m disappointed in you!”, “Do you know how hard I worked on that?” and “Why would you do such a mean thing?”  Though these kinds of responses are intended to encourage good behavior, the result was children who showed higher levels of anger and distress, even into the next day.  It makes sense, right?  When my personal tank is empty, I am not likely to parent well.

On the flip side, when parents create the space they need to be healthy, joyful and grounded, they are more capable of the kinds of sensitive parenting that help children thrive.  At those times, it often feels less taxing to provide compassionate, connected responses.  Counter-intuitively, taking a step back from the kids can be a step forward in parenting.

I believe we intuitively know what is healthy for us.  I would guess that we override this voice mainly because we feel morally compelled to place our children before ourselves. Taking our cue from Christ, it is easy to believe that we should be willing to lay down our lives for our kids, always willing to sacrifice for their good. The impulse toward unselfish love is a good thing, however, it can also falsely convince us that doing anything to care for ourselves is selfish. This is a false dichotomy.  Self-sacrificial love and caring for ourselves are not mutually exclusive.  Remember the oxygen: the loving and effective choice for your child is actually to attend to yourself first, so you have the ability to capably care for them.

As this past Sunday’s reading described, Christ often took time away from his disciples to pray (Mark 1:35).  We need to remember this example as well.  Even God-made-man took the time he needed for renewal. Then he was able to continue to offer himself for the healing of others.  We also need time to refuel ourselves so that we can be giving, sacrificial parents.

If you like this idea, are a mother, and want to read more, follow this link to get The 10 Habits of Happy Mothers: Reclaiming Our Passion, Purpose, and Sanity by Meg Meeker.  Its everything here, but better written and in book form.  If you don’t have that kind of time, or need some motivation or direction, maybe the following short thoughts will help.

• “Be not afraid.”  My mom once gave me a placard with a prayer about doing what I could during the day and then leaving it in God’s hands when I went to sleep.  I like to think she was doing that too, admitting she could only do so much, and leaving the rest to God.
• “Martha you are anxious and worried about many things.”  Every time I hear that story, I know whose role I play.  Jesus knows all that goes into daily care for the kids.  And still he encourages us to spend some time just sitting with him.  I desperately desire to be still, but apparently I need to be reminded that this is not a dereliction of parental duty.
• “And on the seventh day, He rested.”  That’s right, even God took a day off.  While you may not have the luxury of a full day away from kids every week, what opportunities can you make?  Even if it means cutting back on some other healthy activity for the children?
• The perfect is the enemy of the good. Having struggles or bad days just means you are a parent.  Attempting to avoid bad days at all costs will more than likely cause you to miss out on many good days.  Which is all besides the fact that perfection in parents doesn’t exist, not even in the Holy Family.
• Asking for help is a sign of strength.  I love helping my friends, but I can be hesitant to ask for help.  It often takes letting go of my mental image of being an ideal parent before I am willing to ask for the help I need.  When I do open my mouth, I have found that others have been glad to provide babysitting, a meal, or even just company as I talk through frustration.  Rather than experiencing judgment, I have found that admitting my human need actually fostered closer connection between us.
• You can create an early warning system.  Sometimes I only find out that I am out of balance by the look on my wife or child’s face when I snap at them.  Often my wife or a good friend can tell me when I seem out of sorts, or help me notice when I have not been making time for renewal.  My wife often tells me to go for a run, get outside or make time for prayer because she can sense my need.
• If you’re sold on the idea of giving yourself some space and grace, but you would like to know more about parenting for happy, healthy, holy kids, check out these books:
  • The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
  • No-Drama Discipline: The Whole-Brain Way to Calm the Chaos and Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind
  • Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know
  • Boys Should Be Boys: 7 Secrets to Raising Healthy Sons

What is your oxygen?  What do you need to help you continue to thrive, so that you can thereby be the person your children will emulate?  Please share a comment below and support the others who read this.